Funeral memory book: collecting memories for the family
Ask everyone who knew the person for one specific memory, at the service and for a few weeks after. One family member collects them, and the book follows the stages of the person's life.
A funeral memory book holds what other people remember about the person who died. A guest book records who came; condolence cards are written to the family.
Many entries will come from people the family has never met: a former colleague, a neighbour, a friend from fifty years before. That is the reason to ask widely.
Decide early who in the family collects and keeps the contributions. One named person avoids duplicates, lost envelopes and questions about who has read what.
Make the memory book together
Invite people to send photos and their own words, then choose what goes in the book.
Questions to print on memory cards
- How did you know them, and since when?
- Where did you usually see them?
- What is one day with them you remember clearly?
- What did they say or do that you still think about?
- What were they good at that others might not know?
- What did they show you how to do?
- What made them laugh?
- What do you own that reminds you of them?
- Who is in your photo, and when was it taken?
How to ask
Ask for one particular memory rather than a tribute. A story about a day, a habit or something the person said tells the family more than a list of good qualities.
Put the request in the funeral notice, the order of service or the message that carries the funeral details. Give a name, an address or link, and a date to send by.
- Set a closing date four to six weeks after the funeral
- Say photos are welcome, with the names of who is in them
- Offer a voice note as an option for people who would rather not write
- Ask each contributor how they knew the person, and when
Cards at the service or wake
Put blank cards, pens and a closed box on the tables at the wake. Cards work better than a book passed round: nobody waits for a turn or reads the last entry.
Print the questions below on the back of each card. People have a few minutes, and a specific question gets a specific answer.
The person collecting takes the box home at the end and keeps it closed until close family want to read it.
Putting the entries in order
Follow the stages people knew: childhood and school, work, the family years, later life. Within each stage, order by when the writer knew them rather than how close they were.
Ordering by closeness invites comparison. Ordering by time lets a neighbour's two lines sit beside a sibling's two pages without either looking out of place.
Keep each memory in the writer's own words and spelling. If something needs cutting, ask the writer first or leave the entry out.
Reading before it goes in
Some memories will be new to the family and a few may surprise them. The collector reads everything first and checks anything unexpected with close family.
Keep every original card and email in one box or folder, including those not used. Scan handwritten cards so each household can have a copy.
A digital book can play voice notes and video. In tbf scrapbook, people send photos, words, audio and video, and the book's owner chooses what is added.
Pages to make
Opening pages
A photograph the family chooses, the person's full name, dates of birth and death, and the order of service.
Early life
Childhood photos from the family albums beside memories from siblings, cousins and school friends.
Work and middle years
Memories from colleagues, neighbours and friends, each with the writer's name and how they knew the person.
Later years and the day itself
Recent photographs, memories from the last years, and the cards written at the wake kept together as one section.
Questions
How is a funeral memory book different from a guest book?
A guest book records who attended, usually with a short line. A memory book collects stories about the person, including from people who could not attend.
How long after the funeral can memories be collected?
There is no fixed limit. A closing date four to six weeks after keeps it moving, and late arrivals can go at the back or in a later edition.
Can children contribute?
If they want to. A drawing, or a memory an adult writes down for them, can sit in the same section as the adults' entries.